Thursday, January 24, 2013

S*#! Menopausal Women Say

I am going to kill him.

If I could just get some sleep, I’d have the energy to kill him.

What is this poofiness around my waist?

I’m going crazy.

Is it warm in here?

It’s so f-ing hot in here.

I am not crazy!

When did I grow these gigantic breasts?

Why are you looking at me?   
Where is my icepack?

What bullsh--!

I'm going completely drug-free through this hallowed passage. Wine, anyone?

What fresh hell is this?

When did I become invisible?

If I see one more article on vaginal dryness, someone’s gonna die.

Lovely. The vaginal gel company sent me a free sample? How did they know where I live?

Don’t Spanx come in heavy duty?

I just threw all my Spanx in the fire pit.

I dreamt that I held my boss under water until he drowned. No, it wasn't a nightmare.

I worked out every day this week, ate Paleo, and I gained two pounds.

Sometimes, I break china, just so I don’t kill anybody.

Why shouldn’t I wear shorts and a tank top to go ice skating on the pond?

I’m not crying. Have you got a tissue?

Sale on stretchy pants? I’m there.

Turn the f-ing heat down!

Turn the f-ing A/C up!

Don’t you dare touch the f-ing thermostat.

Moody? You think I’m moody?  
For lunch? I’ll have an HRT on Zoloft, hold the Zanax.

I need a new moisturizer.

I need a new drug.

I’m going to stop taking all my drugs.

Gotta go to the drugstore. My drugs are ready.

I don’t think the drugs are working!

If men got menopause, there’d be a drug for this.

Motherfu---! My sweater was on inside-out all day and no one said anything!

Stop scraping your spoon on that bowl!

Why are you breathing so loud?

I’m gonna save so much money on tampons and pregnancy tests.

If I don’t get some sleep, someone may have to die.

If men got night sweats, there’d be a cure for this.

Who invented magnifying mirrors? I'll strangle them with my bare hands.

The person who invented air conditioning? Should be made the saint of menopause.


  1. Except for the drug stuff, I think I've said every single thing on this list.

    I think I'm past the worst of it now. Please God, don't prove me wrong on that.

    1. So, so looking forward to the day I can finally say I'm through with the worst of it. That will happen one of these years, right?!

  2. As Word Nerd posted recently on a blog post of mine: This is pure brilliance from start to finish. It capture everything about this process - what fresh hell is this says it all.
    Yup, I resorted to HRT - and it tamed things down a lot - allowed me to sleep, for one thing. Put a lid on some of the temperature issues. But the scraping of the bowl? the loud breathing? the poofy waist?
    all of it
    to hell with it - let it burn!

    1. Ha-ha some days I want to make the world go up in the flames that seem to be licking my face... perhaps I need some better coping mechanisms? :-)

  3. ROFLMAO!!! It's true! All of it! It's so true!


    1. Thanks for commenting Holly-- I'll take all the camaraderie I can get on this fiery journey!

  4. LOL! You took all those words right out of my mouth, Amiga. And my favorite: "I’m gonna save so much money on tampons and pregnancy tests."

    And let me add this: I am VERY glad that I don't own a gun!!

    Just keep breathing, taking in very deep breaths, and we will make it through the 8 years or so that it can take for menopause to go away. :)

    1. Yes, but where is all that tampon money? It doesn't seem to be filling up my wallet, somehow.
      It's only 8+ years-- what have we got to complain about, right? Gag.

  5. Why are you breathing so loud!!!! Love it! You've sat at my dinner table, haven't you?

    1. Yes, these inconsiderate breathers seem to be everywhere, Sharon! The nerve! :-)

  6. As I love you, I'm a little glad you live many states away right now.

    Ohhhh, ohhh future world, I have pity on you already, because I'm not nearly as nice as you are to begin with... If I buy you an island now, will you give it back in, what, 15 years?

    1. I tried the island thing, but wherever I went, there I was, alas. I hope you sail through menopause like your Granny Bundick. She never even noticed she was going through it, the lucky lady.

  7. I actually have a "what fresh hell is this?" print in my house. I only agree with it once in a while (all the time!).

    1. Whoever came up with that expression deserves some kind of award. Sometimes it covers a situation PERFECTLY, lol.

  8. Replies
    1. May your menopause be short, sweet, and as cool as a Peppermint Patty, Miss Megan!

  9. HA! Exactly!

    In addition, I am one of the rare breed who not only gets to deal with hot flashes but I also get to deal with cold flashes. Which means that, when I'm not wearing tank tops and flip flops in frigid weather, I'm under a foot of blankets shivering and can't get warm for days.

    1. Eek. Is there no mercy with the temperature swings? I've recently had a few of my first cold flashes. So one minute a flaming blush, the next pulling on a sweater. Realllyyy fun when standing in front of 20 students. Gack.

  10. So much to look forward to as I'm inching my way ever closer...

    The sweater inside out thing? I totally did that ten years ago without menopause as an excuse. Day before Valentine's Day at the flower shop--sixteen hours on one of the busiest days of the year (so LOTS and LOTS of witnesses) and my boss says to me as we're on the way out the door, "What's wrong with your sweater?" Yeah. If I go ALL day with my sweater inside out, please don't tell me when it's much too late to do anything about it. :)

    1. I was appalled when it happened to me a couple of weeks ago, but now I think it was pretty funny. Guess it goes to show people are only worried about their own troubles and don't pay nearly the attention to us that we imagine, lol. Thank goodness!
      Perhaps you and I are just remarkably focused individuals, who have no time for trivial details of sweaterdom, right?