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Thursday, December 27, 2012

My Voice is Here


After blogging for over two years, I left what felt like my first truly “negative” comment the other day. 

I’ve second guessed myself a lot since then. As both a blogger and an avid blog reader, I’d decided from the start that if I didn’t have anything positive to say, I would not say anything.

Knowing that it does take some effort, if not downright courage, to put oneself out there by publishing a post, I’d vowed to take the high road. I have tender feelings myself and want to show respect for other blogger’s work. After all, there are MANY people who are more than willing to express their criticisms, so my voice is not needed when I disagree with a blogger’s position, I felt.

Even if I differed vehemently with someone, I didn’t want to be part of the snarling pack. Acts of kindness, paying it forward, Little Miss Sunshine—that was me.  Not rocking the boat, damn it, being the nice girl. Argh. I can be such a wimp. But I’d rather err on the side of wimpy, than to hurt someone’s feelings or stifle someone’s right to express herself. That was my choice.

But a post by an “expert” on HuffPost50 got me riled up. Reading along, it was all good until about half-way through when the writer paused in her advice to midlife women about diet and exercise. She said something that made it all very personal to me. 

To paraphrase, she actually repeated that ancient and hard to dispel notion that anyone who is overweight or out of shape is … lazy, sluggish, unenlightened AND lacks the passion needed for healthy living. Find your passion, and the weight will fall off easily, she claimed.

She just said I lack passion.

LACK PASSION.

Whoa. Passion?

Calm down, I told myself. It’s just a blog post. Be kind. She’s misinformed, judgmental, holier-than-thou, yes, but let it go.

I tried to dismiss my outrage.

I failed.

I commented, as calmly as I could, in a few sentences, ending with the charge that she had just added one more voice to the chiding chorus, to those who wag fingers at midlife women struggling with their weight.

We hold down jobs that while perhaps aren't deeply fulfilling, keep the bills paid. Or, laid-off, are looking for employment in a workplace that openly discriminates based on our age and our looks. We may commute for hours, care for elders, children, spouses, homes. 

We’re trying to get another year out of a 15-year old car, or keep enough cash on hand for the bus. We do not need one more rebuke, one more expert telling us we are too stupid or too lacking in passion to be the same dress size we were 20 years ago. 

Because our clothing size is the only issue we have to worry about, right? I ended with note that she had “not advanced the dialogue on women’s health issues.”

Not particularly proud of my anger, fearing I was being a bit Joan of Arc, I hit “post” on my comment.

I don’t plan on making negative comments a habit, but maybe there is something to the notion that at menopause, some women find their voices (thank you, Magnolia Miller at The Perimenopause Blog). 

I think it’s happening to me. My voice. MY VOICE IS HERE.

It’s been a long time coming.

22 comments:

  1. Being negative and standing up for yourself are two different things. Sometimes a girl's gotta just say what's on her mind . . . and believe me when I say - - you spoke for me too!!! And many more like us, I'm sure!! Don't be too hard on yourself for writing something "negative." I applaud you for calling her on it!!

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    1. Judy-- it sounds so reasonable when you put it that way! It was a step forward for me to battle my internal (infernal?) censor. Thank you!

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  2. GOOD FOR YOU! YAY!

    Aside from the fact that she was unabashedly negating scientific evidence that has clearly shown women in midlife experience difficulty in losing weight because metabolism slows, she was stupidly judgmental in calling anyone out on a lack of passion.

    I'm proud of you for speaking up. There is a difference between being kind and allowing people to scrape their muddy feet on our backsides.

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    1. Janie-Jane-Jane! I used to buy into that whole calories in, calories out mindset, until I hit about 48. Now I see there's more at work than counting calories and working out. Where her comment on passion came from, I don't understand, but it was uncalled for.

      My tendency is to err on the side of live and let live (at least on the surface! grr), until steam comes out of my ears at odd moments.

      Your ability to speak up is one of the qualities I admire about you most-- so maybe I was channeling Jane when I commented!

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  3. Not negative at all on your part. Let your big girl voice have an opinion.

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    1. Love that-- after all, one of my personal mottos does refer to pulling on my big girl panties, lol. Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. Querida Amiga, I just a few moments ago received my notice that you'd posted, so here I am. :)

    I read your post and realized I am angry at what that woman had to say. Yes, I may be overweight and out of shape, but I am not lazy or sluggish. I am merely menopausal, and not having the easiest time here, trying to diet and exercise. So this really hurts, that she "believes" this about us. Sigh!

    I thank you for speaking your mind and coming to our rescue. I would have probably just stood there, took it and cried. Actually, she deserved WAY more than what you gave her. Yay Melanie!!!

    Love, hugs, and grateful for your "posted comment," ~Virginia

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    1. Hello my sweet! As I said in another reply, I can't think of one midlife woman who has the time to be "lazy!" We're doing the best we can. We don't need one more dingbat telling us we aren't living "right." Grr.
      Thank you for visiting--much love and hugs back!

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    2. Actually, I have read the comments here and LOVE what everyone has to say. We are all on the same page! :)

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  5. I am usually calm and collective when it comes to commenting. Every now and then something strikes me which makes my blood boil. Sometimes I walk away and on the rare occasion I will comment with a strong point of view.

    In incidents like this my head would have popped and I might even have to take a breather before commenting.

    I am glad you found your voice because sometimes change comes from standing up and using persuasive argument to make people realize that their rigorous views are not always necessarily right.

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    1. Thank you, my dear! Why is it so hard for me to apply the "speak up" message to myself??? So true that logical argument is a way to bring change, and that sounds like something I say to my students. This teacher needs to teach herself, and you and the other strong women I have met through blogging teach me daily!

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  6. I laugh at how many "experts" there are across the internet. Everyone knows everything, apparently. You and I are experts on ourselves, and we have voices. We MUST use them!

    I have given up trying to be at my "ideal" weight, which I think I last weighed in 8th grade. I don't pay attention to what these self-important lecturers say anymore. I know what is best for me - and I'm sure you do too.

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    1. Isn't that the truth about experts? I believe this woman was even a dietitian with lots of letters after her name. I often live to regret listening to experts instead of my own assessments. After all, we have a few years of experience in living!

      I've been this weight for quite a few years. Those BMI charts should be burned-- how can individuals be pigeonholed by such a simple equation? Thanks so much for the comment, Sharon!

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  7. Amen, Woman! I am so glad that you told that writer off. It seems to me that in her comment about passion, she neglected to have compassion. How much you wanna bet the writer is not someone who is or has struggled with menopausal issues? It is so easy to sit there from your place as an expert and make broad statements that only show your lack of compassion. F**king menopause (F**king everything over 50) sucks. Amen.

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  8. Love your point about compassion! I read a book called Hungry this fall and have to revisit it to mine some quotes for another post.I can't think of one midlife woman in my world who remotely qualifies as lazy or lacking passion, regardless of her size or looks. My blogging buds like you continue to teach me about speaking up. Thank you. Yes, f***ing menopause.

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  9. It just keeps getting better. And before you know it, you're not missing one wink of sleep worrying about a damn thing anybody else thinks.

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    1. Forgot to say, my post above was written by Magnolia. :)

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  10. There is a huge difference between nastiness for its own sake (which so many bloggers/commenters, etc seem to engage in) and actually making statements that contribute intelligently to the conversation. Yay you for speaking up.

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  11. Add me to the list of proud of you! And in agreement that speaking up is positive, not negative! :)

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  12. Thanks, Masked Mom and Laine, for reading! The level of crazy-nasty that I see truly does not cease to amaze me. On some sites I've learned better than to read too far down the comments.

    I still have a lot to learn about speaking up, but I have some good strong women as examples, cough.

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  13. As you imply, most women lack time, not passion. Maybe if I'm really passionate about making a bajillion dollars, it will magically appear. Weight loss and a healthy lifestyle is a difficult daily choice, pivoting on that moment when we stare down a scoop of ice cream. Usually, for me, the ice cream wins.

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  14. Women tend to lack time, not passion. Apparently, I lack enough passion to magically acquire a bajillion dollars. Weight loss and a healthy lifestyle take determination, hard work, and pivot on the moment we stare down that one more scoop of ice cream. For me, the ice cream usually wins.

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